Thursday, September 21, 2017


jen hatmaker speaks my language.  i read her writing, then i laugh, then i say 'yes!' or 'me too' or 'guuuuurl' out loud.  my sister lent me jen's most recent book, of mess and moxie, and i am tearing through it.  if i owned the copy, trust that i would be a highlighting fool circa my college days.  but since i'm respectful of my sister's property and also because i read in bed where there isn't a highlighter handy, i refrain (which means i will just have to buy my own copy and read it again).

there are so many gems.  but the chapter i am currently on is grabbing me by the arms and shaking me silly.  it's called 'doldrums'.

i am going to spare you details, but life is hard.  i don't know if this is what being thirty-eight is like.  maybe that's what this season of life is for all women.  but i do know is that in the past five years, my family or my friends who are like family have been hit hard with the shittiest parts of life: addiction, divorce, abuse, betrayal, illness, death, just earth-shattering, heart-breaking tragedies.

while none of this has happened in my immediate family, i have been struggling with this wicked combination of relief (that it's not us), doom (that it could be us at the drop of a hat), grief and sickening worry that makes it hard for me to go to sleep many nights. how can i help?  how did this happen?  am i supporting in the best way i can?  do i enjoy my life as much as i should?  
anxiety much? 
my brain is a hot. ass. mess.  lol.

i have a case of the doldrums.

jen says in her book:
"here is the bummer about the doldrums: the very efforts needed to lift yourself out are the same things that you've lost the energy to do.  the simplest remedies feel like weights drudged up from the bottom of the ocean".

yes! me too! guuuuuuurl.

in her podcasts, she often ends an interview by asking women, what is giving you life right now?  the answers can be simple, ridiculous or profound.

this blog gives me life.  or it used to at least.  i'm bringing it back, y'all.  somehow, someway.
while transferring all of the photos from my phone onto my computer twice (because my computer is slow and my phone is jacked) did the exact opposite of give me life (seriously, why isn't it simple?); rifling through the photos from the past few months does give me life.  so it all balanced out. 

life is hard and shitty things happen and watching people you love in pain is heart-wrenching.  but life is also so, so good.  i know that to my core.  i just need to do a better job about recognizing those good things.  so here's my effort:

things that give me life (besides mexican food and margaritas):

 {these dudes and summer and swimming}
 {this little person who asks me to take his picture then won't cooperate for said picture}
 {chance and i taught chris to take a photo from a high angle to make us look skinny.  he took it like he's standing on a damn ladder.  makes me laugh for days}
 {who knew this man would look so fine in his daddy's cowboy hat?  i do now}
 {what a total and complete boss my FIL was on our family vacation.  every day, on the beach, with his hat and walking stick.  the cutest}
 {this photo i call: dads on phones}
 {date nights and anniversaries}
 {lazy summer days with these three cousins}
 {amazon prime tv. the wire. omar. oh indeed.}
 {i mean, how can they not}
 {friends' babies}
 {the boys' school. their teachers. their new principal. our community.  sometimes i need to pinch myself}
 {substitute teaching. while kindergarten is not my favorite grade (it's like herding tiny little kittens, alllll day), it's hard to beat it when a student shows up like this ready for school}
 {live music with my people}
 {fall baseball and teachers who come to games.  on weekends, no less}
 {learning to make nan's strawberry preserves, who learned from her mother.  it was everything}
 {six months after watching this video which made me cry my face off, delivering backpacks and toiletries for foster kids in dallas.  these backpacks were the direct result of the giant hearts of people i know}
{my parents who show up. all the time.}
 {ellie's tribe}
{susnsets and frontyard football games}

i feel better already.  eff-off, doldrums.  

how are you?  what is giving you life right now?  i would love to know.


1 comment:

  1. Annnd. I am in tears. I feel you through and through. We do have a good life and by God we will cherish the good parts. You and yours are part of my shiny part. Much love.