happy new year

y'all.  i am cold.  in my house.  with the heat on.

i just put on a winter hat.  to blog.

a few things:

1) happy new year!

2) i am home alone on a rare thursday where i am not subbing at the boys' school.

i'm kinda walking around like a lost (cold) puppy.  emails have been checked.  my to-do list tackled.

it's just me, the dog and my beanie.

3) have i mentioned how much i loved subbing?  being around all those kids, managing schedules and behaviors, laughing at the things that come out of their mouths, not to mention all the hugs.  i never knew i missed teaching this much.  it's giving me life right now (see last post).

4) i am listening to linger by the cranberries right now because my teenage self is mourning the loss of dolores o'riordan.  oh my, her songs are the soundtrack of my youth.  she reminds me of riding around in cars with friends. i'll love her forever.

4) chris and i are doing our first whole30.  we're on day four.  only 26 damn days to go.

it really hasn't been that bad.  but in typical cortney fashion, i let myself get into enough of a funk, a fog, a slump for entirely too long before i was finally motivated enough to make a change.  2017 was *weird*.  i started excercising less, drinking more, eating more, let go of my yoga practice, neglected the good camera...my skin was whack, i felt tired and unmotivated and blaaaaah. there are likely a million reasons why if i dig deep enough, but now is not the time.  then i got sick as a dog over christmas, and that was it.  it sent me over the edge, so i conned my husband into tackling the whole30 with me.  i'm looking forward to a clearer mind, clearer skin, a better attitude (and better fitting jeans).  2017, don't let the door hit you on the way out. deuces.

5) i miss wine.  it's day 4.

i'll see you in february, my darling cabernet.  just not as often.

here's what gave me life this fall/winter:

*fall baseball.  it's just the best.

*unsuccessfully looking for tim riggins (or even coach taylor, i'm not picky) at our local high school football games.  i found this tough guy instead.  i think i'll keep him.

* we only made it to the state fair once this year, so we made it count. 

p.s. i'm hungry

*pumpkins with my hufflepuff.

*our pre-thanksgiving trip to broken bow.  i could not get over the beauty of this place.

*my budding artist

*my drummer who played a radiohead song at his recital WITH A BAND.  dreams do come true.

* prepping for christmas.  and i say prepping since i didn't get to enjoy the fruits of my labor this year considering i spent days in bed with fever.  i still shudder thinking about it.

i'll be back soon, i promise.

2018 is the year of ch-ch-changes and i can't wait.

how are you?

what is giving you life right now?

love, 

coco

doldrums

jen hatmaker speaks my language.  i read her writing, then i laugh, then i say 'yes!' or 'me too' or 'guuuuurl' out loud.  my sister lent me jen's most recent book, of mess and moxie, and i am tearing through it.  if i owned the copy, trust that i would be a highlighting fool circa my college days.  but since i'm respectful of my sister's property and also because i read in bed where there isn't a highlighter handy, i refrain (which means i will just have to buy my own copy and read it again).

there are so many gems.  but the chapter i am currently on is grabbing me by the arms and shaking me silly.  it's called 'doldrums'.

i am going to spare you details, but life is hard.  i don't know if this is what being thirty-eight is like.  maybe that's what this season of life is for all women.  but i do know is that in the past five years, my family or my friends who are like family have been hit hard with the shittiest parts of life: addiction, divorce, abuse, betrayal, illness, death, just earth-shattering, heart-breaking tragedies.

while none of this has happened in my immediate family, i have been struggling with this wicked combination of relief (that it's not us), doom (that it could be us at the drop of a hat), grief and sickening worry that makes it hard for me to go to sleep many nights. how can i help?  how did this happen?  am i supporting in the best way i can?  do i enjoy my life as much as i should?  

anxiety much? 

my brain is a hot. ass. mess.  lol.

i have a case of the doldrums.

jen says in her book:

"here is the bummer about the doldrums: the very efforts needed to lift yourself out are the same things that you've lost the energy to do.  the simplest remedies feel like weights drudged up from the bottom of the ocean".

yes! me too! guuuuuuurl.

in her podcasts, she often ends an interview by asking women, what is giving you life right now?  the answers can be simple, ridiculous or profound.

this blog gives me life.  or it used to at least.  i'm bringing it back, y'all.  somehow, someway.

while transferring all of the photos from my phone onto my computer twice (because my computer is slow and my phone is jacked) did the exact opposite of give me life (seriously, why isn't it simple?); rifling through the photos from the past few months does give me life.  so it all balanced out. 

life is hard and shitty things happen and watching people you love in pain is heart-wrenching.  but life is also so, so good.  i know that to my core.  i just need to do a better job about recognizing those good things.  so here's my effort:

things that give me life (besides mexican food and margaritas):

 {these dudes and summer and swimming}

 {this little person who asks me to take his picture then won't cooperate for said picture}

 {chance and i taught chris to take a photo from a high angle to make us look skinny.  he took it like he's standing on a damn ladder.  makes me laugh for days}

 {who knew this man would look so fine in his daddy's cowboy hat?  i do now}

 {what a total and complete boss my FIL was on our family vacation.  every day, on the beach, with his hat and walking stick.  the cutest}

 {this photo i call: dads on phones}

 {date nights and anniversaries}

 {lazy summer days with these three cousins}

 {amazon prime tv. the wire. omar. oh indeed.}

 {i mean, how can they not}

 {friends' babies}

 {the boys' school. their teachers. their new principal. our community.  sometimes i need to pinch myself}

 {substitute teaching. while kindergarten is not my favorite grade (it's like herding tiny little kittens, alllll day), it's hard to beat it when a student shows up like this ready for school}

 {live music with my people}

 {fall baseball and teachers who come to games.  on weekends, no less}

 {learning to make nan's strawberry preserves, who learned from her mother.  it was everything}

 {six months after watching this video which made me cry my face off, delivering backpacks and toiletries for foster kids in dallas.  these backpacks were the direct result of the giant hearts of people i know}

{my parents who show up. all the time.}

 {ellie's tribe}

{susnsets and frontyard football games}

i feel better already.  eff-off, doldrums.  

how are you?  what is giving you life right now?  i would love to know.

love,

coco

my baby child

my baby boy is six.

and yes, i know he is not a baby anymore but DON'T RUSH ME.

when you've done this pareting thing with one child for a while, you feel prepared enough to have another.  

how different can they be, amiright?

well, nothing in this world could have prepared me for parenting this child.

he flipped life on it's lid and made each day an adventure, infinitely more fun, and had me scratching my head trying to figure out daily how to best parent his sweet spirit.

he was born with mischief in his eyes.  see?  they glimmer.

a couple of years ago he told us he wanted to grow up to be a boy cheerleader.

not long after that, he decided to become a really strong clown that jumped through hoops of fire when he got older.

around that same time, he let us know that when he was older he wanted to ride a motorcycle, get tattoos and grow a beard down to his balls.

his words, not mine.

he has a lifelong curiosity to find out what is on the inside of things.

he deconsructs objects.  cuts them open, until he can see the inside.

he loves science and art.  anything that involves paint, water, slime, glue, clay.  the messier the project, the better.

he is a collector of small things.

once he kept all of his plastic drinkable yogurt containers because he couldn't bear to throw them out.

once the collection was large enough, we had to start keeping the rinsed out bottles in target sacks.

 somewhere in our house lies his collection of cicada shells in a gallon sized zip-lock.  gross.

 he loves big and physically.  he plays rough and hugs hard.

 he is independent and fierce, yet anxious and fragile at times.  persuading him is next to impossible (taurus).

 he is ridiculously funny.  we are constantly laughing over something he said or did.

 he's a lap-sitter and a hand-holder and holds my heart with both of his.

i hope he never changes.